im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I queefed so loud it echoed.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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