i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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