Can Purell be used as lube?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
