it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
