I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
