Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
