just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
