I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
