words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
