there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
