so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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