We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
