I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
