***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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