She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
