Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You ate ashes out of my bong
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
