I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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