I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
