I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
