Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
