i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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