im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
