Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
