guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
