Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
