my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
In America we eat man semen.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
