apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
