If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
