Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
