Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
