Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
