She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
