I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
