did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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