You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
