How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
