he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
