and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
