took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
