My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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