Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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