Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
