apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
