I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
