You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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