this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
