I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The uberlube is also flammable
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
