My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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