the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
