is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
