i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
